Dating Site Horrors

Let it be known that I am not a fan of dating sites! It’s fine that you want to meet someone and that the world is such a tragic place that we now have to resort to the internet to find our partner. I’m not saying that I’m any better myself but at least Twitter is not a dating site and I definitely didn’t mean to find my soul mate online. Sometimes things just happen. I don’t like dating sites because they 1) prey off of desperate people seeking what we all crave: love, and 2) that most of them have an algorithm that tells you that you have to find someone almost identical to yourself. Could you imagine if I had found my now boyfriend on a dating site. I’m not even sure I would have been presented with him by the site because of our different interests, and if it had then the first thing I would have seen was: I like history and politics and I’m sorry to say but my reaction would have been “no thank you!” It’s too easy to quickly dismiss people because you don’t know them and therefore don’t give a shit about them. In the following I will present you with my personal experience with dating sites AND tell you about two guys I found via a site and how that went.

HOW I ENDED UP ON A DATING SITE TO BEGIN WITH

In short: after I broke it off with my boyfriend through almost 6 years and had a night with waaaay too much alcohol to make me numb for a few hours I found myself curious about the world of the singles.

I had been single a couple of months, and even though I was nowhere near ready to be in a new relationship, I wanted to see what the world had to offer. I was 26 and hadn’t been single since I was 20 years old. World, bring it on! As I recall I made a profile on one or two sites, and I thought “let’s just see what happens.” Honestly, I didn’t really think much would happen. At this point I didn’t find myself attractive.
The next day I went in to check and oh boy! There wasn’t just one, or even just a few messages. I think I had 20+ messages in my inbox and was all blown away. From these messages, and others I received during the following days, I would have been quite popular in the gay community. I got sweet messages from women – my favourite messages as it turned out – asking me if I had thought about trying to be with a woman. My profile said, truthfully, that I was straight. I always replied with something along the lines of “you look sweet, and I’m flattered, but unfortunately I’m the most straight person ever.” Most of them thanked me for my decent reply and wished me a good day, one I actually chatted with for a while even though she knew I had no intention of doing anything with her. I could easily have been good friends with her in real life.
I also had a lot of messages from guys with the statement “I have a big cock.” No “hi,” no nothing but I have a big cock. I always replied with “oh my God, me too!” Not one of those guys had a sense of humour, which obviously made me laugh my fucking head off.
I also got the obligatory “I am a firefighter” or “hi, police officer here…” My sincere question was always: “what is the most cliché question a girl has asked you?” Some didn’t like that reply, perhaps because they weren’t actually in the profession they told me and therefore couldn’t answer, but others shared and we ended up having a laugh about that.
The true creepers wanted naked photos. Those were the easiest to handle: delete message. I did have a rather uncomfortable conversation with a man 20 years older than me who got angry when I said that I didn’t want to date a man who had children. Listen, I don’t hate children but unless they are my own or my siblings’ or close friends’ I don’t really give a shit. I only want to be a mother to my own, sorry. Dang he got angry, and in that rude way as well. Jeez. I think I got off the track here.
The weirdest messages I got was from married couples seeking a permanent “friend” to have sex with. You know, a ménage à trois. Of course there’s nothing wrong with being 3 people instead of two but it’s going to happen without me. I don’t know why those offers crossed my boundaries so hard but they did.

GUY 1

Whilst fighting my way through odd or slighty offensive messages, I did manage it find a guy living about 30 min away. He seemed nice and we started chatting away. He was a bit of a show-off, loud and extrovert. I don’t have anything against extroverts, they just tend to take up an entire room. After some time – I really don’t remember how many weeks – I suddenly found myself on my way to his flat. I had told a friend where I was, just in case. I clearly remember my first thought when he opened the door: his head is weirdly small compared to the rest of his body!? He wanted to cook us dinner, which is fine, and had the day before stated that he was a decent cook. As it turned out, he wasn’t. When I got there it was a bit awkward but less so than I’d feared. Perhaps because I gave zero fucks about him. It sounds harsh but it’s the truth. After we’d eaten we watched a movie. It was one of those guy-movies that is pure action, no plot, and I remember looking at the clock several times. We ended up kissing for a bit – it wasn’t great and he hardly moved his lips at all – and a few moments later we had sex. Oh my God. Worst shag ever! I wonder how many girls he’d been with because he had absolutely no clue what he was doing. I didn’t expect him to be a total Casanova but the way he talked about sex you’d think he had tried having sex at least a few times. During the entire thing he acted as if everything was under control but I’ve never been with anyone more clueless as to how the female body works. And I’ve taking someone’s virginity so I know what I’m talking about. Afterwards it had gotten very late so I told him I was tired and drove home. The next day he wrote me and we talked for a bit. He asked me when he could see me again and I told him I was busy, which was true. I rarely lie. After a few days he asked again, but unfortunately for him he phrased it a bit like this: “when are you coming to see me again?” And I tought excuse me? I might be wrong but isn’t is common courtesy, now that I came to him the first time, if he then came to see me the second? I never replied. That’s what happens when I give zero fucks about a person: I become a total bitch. Oh well, I don’t regret any of it. The worst part is that even though he was the worst shag I ever had and he was a really bad kisser, he wasn’t my worst kiss of all times, which leads me to..

GUY 2

That’s right. Simultaneously with my escapades with guy 1 I had been chatting with a second guy, also living about 30-40 min away. He was a totally different time, not braggy or anything, although weirdly obsessed with his prior occupation as a soldier. That and guns. I’m always extremely sceptical towards people who like guns, and declare it from the get-go. Anyhoo, he also want to meet but opposite guy 1 he is eager to come to me. Actually, he spontanousley drove to pick me up one night. It was fairly late, and I was already in my PJ’s. I was in an extremely rare spontaneous mood that night so I say to him “I only want to do it if I can keep my PJ’s on?” Honestly, I was too comfortable and I didn’t care enough to take on proper clothes. And so it came to be that I, in my PJ’s, got into a strange man’s car and we drove around for about 2 hours and talked. Only in Denmark, one of the safest countries in the world, could I get away with that without getting raped. He was a decent guy though. Plus, one of my friends knew him vaguely, so I would be able to find him again if he hurt me. Anyhoo, the whole thing ends pretty innocently and the next day he wants to see me again. This time I say yes, and a few days later he picks me up and we go for a late walk in the woods. When we get back to the car he pre-signals a kiss and I ready myself. In no dimension would I have been ready for that. Everything about that kiss was wrong. He did not start off slow and soft, oh no. He put so much pressure on my lips that I had to tighten my neck muscles so that my head wouldn’t be pressed back. The tempo was immediately quick as if we’d been kissing for a longer time. He put his tongue in my mouth, which, first kiss rule no 1: you never do from the get-go. Ever! Now, I have kissed a lot of guys in my life. More than I can count on two hands, and many have been bad. None of them as bad as the one I got that fateful day in June. Fucking hell! After a few days I told him that I didn’t think it would work between us, I had to find myself and all that, which again was true.

The next man I kissed – 2 years later – was my then boyfriend now fiancé. The first kiss wasn’t perfect – when is it ever? – but it felt so different because I actually love him. Thank all the Gods that I won’t ever have a bad kiss again. On that note I bid you good day.

Cheers!


Let’s connect!
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What is your opinion on dating sites?
Do you remember your worst kiss?
Do you have any weird or funny stories about dating sites, or first dates in general?

Be sure to leave your thoughts and comments down below.

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6 thoughts on “Dating Site Horrors

  1. zorianazwarycz55

    Thanks for sharing these hilarious stories. I’ve been on a few dating sites and the dates have always been kinda strange. I once had a date with a guy who used a photo of a completely different person. What, did he think I wouldn’t notice?

    Like

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